The Beginning

Why Work...and Why CLAWS?
A story and a welcome by D.J. Swanson, our founder

I'd like to share a story with you. Perhaps it will give you some insight into why I decided to focus my energies on this organization, or maybe even inspire you to a new way of thinking.

I spent most of my twenties embroiled in a bitter struggle with myself over the role that jobs and money played in my life. I've always been a spitfire, a rabble-rouser of sorts, and during my teen years this took the form of rebellion directed at my parents or other authorities. Once I entered my twenties and was out on my own, I directed it at myself, without understanding clearly what I was doing. The only thing I had to guide me was a vague, amorphous, unarticulated sense of unease about the way I was living my life, but some part of me sensed that it was linked to something larger than just me as an individual. I didn't realize at the time how much I was a product of cultural messages about work and jobs that are often taken for granted but which don't suit us any longer.

I spent hours and hours discussing this with friends who were battling similar demons. We talked passionately about how we imagined life could be "if only we had the time/money", and complained bitterly about how we're programmed by society and the media and our parents.

I didn't realize how seductive it can be to while away time bonding with friends on how much things suck. When I used my reserves of energy that way, I effectively had nothing left over for going after my dreams. All I had was a pile of rationalizations, and convincing-sounding excuses for why I wasn't doing what I REALLY wanted. Meanwhile, my life was passing me by. I felt like I was running on a treadmill, expending enormous energy but not seeing the results of my efforts.

I tried everything I could think of to get beyond all of this. My dreams have always involved writing, and I wanted to publish a book. So, in 1995, with the support of my significant other, I even quit my wage slave job to take a year off and write. I did manage to get a short story published during that year, but it was amazing how little progress toward my book I made. I had thought my job, and the need for money, kept me from having the time to write a book--but it turned out that was not the case. Once my "job" became writing and I justified my partner's financial support with the notion that I would "repay" him by being productive, I found I no longer had the motivation to write. This puzzled me at first, particularly since I was so grateful for the chance to write. I didn't rebel openly, by fighting tooth and nail; instead, I used a more insidious strategy: I spent the year in idle pursuits, drifting, frittering away my time, effectively sabotaging myself. It gave me another excuse to punish myself for not being able to produce, and for being "dependent" on my partner for money. I didn't realize that the mentality I harbored was the real problem, and that no amount of money or free time would ever get me going on my dreams unless I tackled this problem at its source: my attitudes. No matter how I got them—parents, the media, the religious right, society—I was still responsible for freeing myself from them.

I began referring to my struggle with career, job, and money concerns as "the issue with a capital I", because I sensed that this particular Issue was more than a simple problem to be solved. It was a way of looking at life that I had learned somewhere, and some part of me knew that there was a better way for me and the world...but I got so frustrated and impatient because I just couldn't seem to find it no matter what books I read, which friends I discussed it with, or how many personal discovery exercises I completed. I always felt like the freak, the non-conformist, the proverbial square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I read book after book, talked to career counselors, faithfully completed all the self-discovery assignments in "What Color Is Your Parachute" and countless other career books. While all this helped to some extent, even bringing me a few epiphanies and moments of clarity, I never found a book or organization that really hit me where I lived, so to speak. Nothing spoke directly to the feelings I harbored in my heart.

The more I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and the more time and money I spent on books that would teach me how to figure it out, the more frustrated I became at not finding what I was really looking for. Once I hit my late twenties, that vague sense of unease that was the only thing propelling me gradually became a heavy burden, literally the weight of the world on my shoulders. (It should be no surprise for anyone who understands Bioenergetics or other body/mind disciplines to hear that my shoulders were always tense).

I grew to loathe getting out of bed every day, and I sunk into a deep depression that eventually required medication. I withdrew from social activities, convinced that no one would want to be around me anyway, since I was so morose. I became convinced that my disdain for the way things are done in this society ran much deeper than anyone else's, and that no one could possibly understand why I hated the idea of "jobs" so much. This was extremely painful for me, since I've always valued my connections with friends very highly. It was a real downward spiral, and I couldn't see any way out. I felt hopeless, stuck in a rut, frustrated, and angry as I started to recognize the societal messages I'd been indoctrinated with all my life. I was livid at the world. The blinders had been stripped mercilessly from my eyes, and I knew there was no going back. I could never again look at the world with the innocent eyes of a child, and I hated that with a passion. It made me feel like I could never again be truly happy.

For many years, my biggest frustration was that I had a long, long list of what I'd already tried and knew that I DIDN'T want, but nothing on the list of what I DID want. It wasn't until much later that I discovered how well I'd convinced myself, with the aid of societal conditioning, that what I REALLY wanted was simply not possible or practical.

During those hell-years when I was scrambling for a coherent sense of the path I wanted to forge in life, I spent a lot of time searching for others who thought like I did. I've always been the type that questions authority and commonly accepted rules or definitions. I succeeded at finding people who questioned the normative ways to approach relationships, school, and sexuality (and honed my community-building skills in the process) but even among these communities of wonderful folks, I still felt like an alien when I questioned the necessity of holding a job or climbing the corporate ladder.

Looking back, I can see clearly how dearly I would have cherished a resource—a book or Web site or friend or group of some kind that reassured me I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't alone in thinking like this. Just a tidbit would have given me encouragement to press onward, and might have prevented some of the suffering I endured. Then one day it dawned on me: I can CREATE such a resource, so that others like me might have a place to turn for solace and encouragement.

So, gentle reader, the Creating Livable Alternatives to Wage Slavery site is here, born out of one person's struggles with "the issue with a capital I", to be that resource for you. The name for CLAWS came to me in a dream, and it seemed to capture perfectly the spirit with which I launched this venture. I pictured a soaring eagle, with talons outstretched, fierce and fiery with passion and purpose.

In sum, CLAWS wants you to know that life is not supposed to be about struggle. You don't have to put off living your life until you have more money or a better job or until you figure out what job description you fit into. We want to help you link up with other people who have similar ideas, to reassure you that you're not alone. We want to give you pointers to the resources that will help you unravel any limitations you have and get going on creating the life you've dreamed. And most of all, we want you to see your own unique beauty.

Welcome to CLAWS.

-D.J. Swanson